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Dating-in, Marriage-out? (1) – Ikenna Paschal Okpaleke

Dating

She comes off as impulsive and easy-going; all too breezy and naturally skilled in getting all the attention she needs at all times, and in all places, and among all categories of persons. One could be sure that even the very abstemious monks, in all their meditative seriousness, could do with some drama and distraction from Kelechi, at least in their lunch breaks.

Rolled up in her dramatic persona are some incredible physical endowments that would make many girls retire to the inapproachable thrones of self-acclaimed divas and self-appointed celebrities: Chocolate brown, impressive height, slender stature, perfect dental set with all the sparkles, and a pretty face. Kelechi is a cynosure, the secret crush of everyone including voluntary and involuntary celibates. Yet she has a way of being in love with everyone without falling in love with anyone. She gave herself the singular entitlement of being the one to choose.

And so, she chose. Kennedy was the lucky prince. Both lovebirds appear to share similar attributes but in different sexes. A charming young man that appeared to be an Igbo version of an ‘All-American’. Dating Kennedy was never a problem. Everything was in the salad: the profound love expressions, the multiple kisses, and even occasional sex. Nothing was standing in the way. Sometimes these two are oblivious of even their family names. It’s just ‘KC’ and ‘Ken’. That’s enough!

The first and only crack began when Ken decided to take KC to the altar. Among the list of the requirement for the intended marriage is an odd item. Church! Ken is a Pentecostal, KC is a Catholic. Ken insists that KC must become a Pentecostal for the marriage to be possible. KC is confused. She loves Ken so much but is not ready to lose her faith either. Ken’s argument is the one that has been rehearsed over and over again such that most people tend to just believe it without questioning it – attending different churches is not good for the family. Really? That her parents were staunch Catholics were not a criteria for KC in making her choice. She is convinced of her faith and so does not need the validation of anyone to know what her heart tells her. Being a very strong character since childhood, she is hard to be swayed. However, she felt the tremor generated by this reality. The price of love is tested in the battleground of faith and freedom. For KC her freedom of choice has brought her the bitter token of love. ‘But there’s got to be way to win this war,’ she reasoned.

So reasonable had she reasoned. KC then consulted her priest-friend who admonished that they go for mixed marriage. The Catholic Church makes provision for marriage between a Roman Catholic and a baptized non-Catholic. Each partner is free to practice his or her faith. ‘You see, the Church in her wisdom already anticipates such a situation,’ the priest just told the now elated KC. There is even a consideration for the case of a Catholic and a non-Christian, in the so-called ‘disparity of cult’. Armed with this information concerning the possibility of what she had reasoned earlier on, KC was eager to resolve the problem with her heartthrob, but Ken would not bulge an inch. KC is completely thrown off her natural composure, the first time she’s getting moody since her primary six days when she lost her dog ‘Lila’. Lying on her bed she is torn by love and the hurdles that she must conquer on her way to get married to Ken. Seeing her in a  moody state, her friend Zoba had asked her, ‘Girlfriend, what are you going to do nah?’ KC, in reply, burst into questions, more like a soliloquy: Why must I throw away the faith I have known since I was born, the church that received me, baptized me, gave me Holy Communion, and confirmed me, because of marriage? So I won’t be a lector again, something that gives me so much joy? I know deep in my heart that I love Ken, but why can’t we have mixed marriage? My priest-friend has already told me that it is possible. Imagine, it is even possible for Muslims to get married to Christians. I have forgotten what he called it. But you can see the examples of Fashola and Tinubu, two Muslims who are happily married to Christians. But why is it even difficult among our people? Why is the woman always expected to submit even to the faith of the husband? Why is the woman to pander to the man’s will? Where is the respect – of my faith, of my choice, of my freedom? If Ken were to be in my shoes how would he feel? Why was our love not affected by my faith at the time we were dating? Is it just now that he is realizing that I am a Catholic and that I love my faith so much just as he loves his own? Why must he threaten to cancel our already agreed marriage even when I opted that we both keep to our different churches? Why? Why?

In response, Zoba now began to narrate …

38 thoughts on “Dating-in, Marriage-out? (1) – Ikenna Paschal Okpaleke”

    3. On point Fr. Nwa nne m. This is a perennial problem because the typical Igbo man believes that a woman has no church until she gets married. I will be glad to read the rest. Good job👍

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  3. It’s a little of my story bc I was Pentecostal n my husband a Catholic, the difference is that we did not fight about it. We were going to separate churches until I finally made up my mind to join him without pressure from any one. Not him nor his family nor my family. I just decided on my own n he was very happy. My mum n some of my ants were not comfortable with my decision but my dad never cared. They later accepted it.

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    1. Thank you Shella for sharing your story. This is exactly my point, marriage cannot be used as instrument to conscript someone into another Christian denomination. I resisted the word ‘conversion’ because this is not what it is. The choice to join another church must be made freely, without any coercion, even within marriage. That is why we all need to preach the Gospel with the witness of our lives and not just by words. God bless you dear.

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  7. I’m looking forward to Zoba’s response. Poor KC, torn between love and faith. This is a very interesting read.

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  8. This story reminds me of my parents; my dad Catholic n my mother Pentecostal.. Mum had to follow Dad because of the infinite love she had for him… Today mum is a strong Catholic Christian (CWA president)…
    Can’t wait to read KC final decision… Good one Fr…

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    1. Thanks Yvonne for your contribution. I think the emphasis is on the freedom of choice and not on compulsion. After all love thrives in freedom, and this freedom cannot be defined from just one perspective. God bless you!

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  9. You see, this is one of the issues in the society today… Am glad you’ve written something about it… I hope… No.. I know Zoba’s response would make the difference…
    (Anticipating Zoba’s response).

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    1. Thanks for your comment Chinelo. Zoba’s response as an answer? Or is she not going to unearth further problems with her own narrative? What if she is as confused as KC? Who knows? I’m as curious as you. Please keep sharing. God bless you!

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  10. This is captivating. I think is a serious dilemma for KC..i also believe nobody should be forced to join a particular denomination, but for d sake of unity in d home,it will be good that they both have one spiritual head..secondly the position of the man matters also..for instance if the man is a pastor and of which d wife will be required to play some important role in d church, then they both need to be in same church ..but they should discuss and agree on it b4 d marriage, but it should be solely their decision and not the girl’s parents or priest forcing d man..marriage decisions should always be made by d couples wtout external interference.. That’s my opinion.. Waiting for the next episode.

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    1. Thank you so much Kaka for your very insightful comment. I think your comment also raises further question: If marriage is partnership why then prioritize the ‘position of the man’? In the case of a pastor: Could such a situation not serve to profoundly teach people that attending different churches does not necessarily mean lack of love and harmony in the family, especially if the dating was without any hitch? And what if the woman is the pastor, will the man also be expected to join her faith? I don’t have ready-made answers except my conviction that a marriage between Christians of different denominations is possible, and that between a Christian and a non-Christian is also possible. Every move to another denomination must be made out of freedom and not as a condition for the marriage. Well, I’m still searching the answers with you. Thank you once again and God bless! Please keep sharing and commenting. I’m enjoying the conversation.

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      1. Very touchy and interesting story, poor KC and Ken, it will not be easy for both of them, I think they should freely angry on their faith because if they don’t that marriage will be in jeopardy.

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  14. first of all, I think we need to a clear definition and understanding of what faith is. see heb 11:1 and heb 12:2.
    how faith is built in Christ not in doctrines or dogma of church. I feel what’s important in any relationship and choice of church is should I be leaving this church to another will I till be connected to my root which is in Christ?
    secondly I once had a friend we both attended redeem and while she was about getting married she said Lilian I don’t want to leave this parish cos she has truly learnt from the pastors msg during bible study and Sunday services, I for one don’t miss bible study cos it’s always a time to OK learn, grow and ask questions though her husband also attends redeem but a different parish. then I said to her why not pray about it and tell God to touch hubby’s mind so he joins your parish. as simple as it sounds he started attending her parish immediately after their wedding.
    one thing we must learn is never neglect the place of prayer in all things.
    cos prayer + sacrifice +understanding =perfect love. after all it was love that made God sacrifice Christ for us so what is it you can’t sacrifice for your spouse. a sacrifice done out of love has no regret Christ is an example of that…..

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    1. Thank you so much Ada for your very enlightening comment. I love the way you downplayed the sentimental and emotional dimensions of love and highlighted the very sacrificial and spiritual aspects. And I believe that these important aspects of love must be shared by both partners. God bless you dear.

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